UTAH

 we just always get so pumped to go home to utah! the boys did great on the flights. There is just something so special and amazing about seeing those gorgeous mountains right before we land. The boys got to go to lowe's build and grow with their papa and build christmas trains that light up. They had a great time with him and their dad. Then we were off to st george. we had an amazing time there. just being with family and being together. we went to the live nativity which was so amazing and the boys were in such awe and wanted to hold baby jesus. it was really special. we even got to ride a camel. that was so cool. we played pickle ball, spike ball, the guys rode bikes, we walked, we went to movies, we laughed and we got to play with our sweet lillian. who the boys and everyone can't get enough of. The boys and i rode home with my dad because all the guys Braydon, paul, ben and jon went to the bowl game to watch the utes play. they had a great time. So while they were doing that we went and saw GG the boys just adore her. She is very sweet with them. She is an amazing women. a bunch of people were asleep in the living room and so the boys and i locked ourselves in the bathroom so we wouldn't wake them... they did a good job of entertaining us.

about benson

When we put benson to bed at night he will list anything and everything he has to kiss before he goes to bed
Example "remote kiss, tv kiss, couch kiss..." All so he can get out of going to bed

Benson will put his tiny finger up and say 1 more time please I promise when I tell him last time.

Mom I'm cold I need you to warming me

He calls buzz lighyear and woody "buzz liar and hoodie"

He thinks the fire trucks and fire station are both called fire nation

Every morning I get benson out of bed he will talk to his humidifier. He always says "thank you HUMIDIFIGHTER you are so nice

He always says "I'm so comfy cozy" after I put his jammies on at night

He always has to whisper I love you in both my ears and then I have to do it both of his and then he says "no more"

Benson calls the elevator "alligator"

Whenever I say anything to benson about him like you are handsome he always says "ya I is!"

Benson loves to call me his sweetheart

Benson whenever he talks to me about sawyer he always says MY sawyer

Benson calls wacky talkies "lucky tuckies"

We were at the live nativity and when it was dead quiet benson yelled "I love you Jesus" and then he was sad because Jesus wouldn't wave back to him. And then on our way home he kept saying I need you Jesus.

I'm going to "feet" you mama... Which means he is going to defeat me.

about sawyer

When ever sawyer says something and we ask how he got so smart he always says "I'm a genius"

When sawyer does something good he always says "I broke the record"

Braydon has the flu and sawyer kept saying he was "sea sick" and he didn't want to get it so he came and snuggled up to me. He said " mom you have such a huge heart and love me so much you have created a force field with your love to protect me so I don't get sea sick"

"Mom I've thought a lot about this and underwear is just a pillow case for my butt. It protects it, keeps it warm and covered up... It's like a privacy case"

So we had a road block tonight on our way home and sawyer asked me to tell him all about roadblocks and what they mean and I said the word barricade. He freaked and said "there are bears in Kentucky? It's to dark I can't see the bear cave! Poor buddy... I just laughed and laughed.

Sawyer was helping me with the apple pie for thanksgiiving and he kept saying "we make a pretty good team huh mom"

Mom when we get tired of using each other's name lets just call each other sweetheart

Mom turn on the deflater which means turn on the defroster.

Mom I will always challenge the alpha to protect you... Never fear I'm always here. Sawyer watches how to train your dragon to much.

We were driving home from st George and I told benson if he didn't stop crying id put him on the side of the road. Sawyer said. Benson you are my very best friend and I won't let anyone put you outside

I told sawyer it was cloudy so it would be hard to see Santa. He said "no it wont I will just put on my falcon vision"

After getting out of the tub sawyer looked at his wrinkley hands and said "I'm so old"

I told sawyer the night before he turned five that I need big hug from my four year old and I was going to miss my four year old. He said " well tomorrow you can say hello to your five year old and you'll be happy"

Sawyer came home and said did you know we have an obomber for a president? I said you mean his name is Obama? He said oh good I was worried he was going to bomb us.

family pictures

we got our family pictures taken this fall before we moved away from our kentucky home! we are so blessed and so lucky to have these boys and each other. and we are going to miss our beautiful kentucky when we move.

The holidays are always my favorite but since having kids it's the most amazing time. kids make everything so magical. we got the opportunity to take the boys with some of our friends to sing at a care center. it was hilarious and pretty much the moms were the only ones singing while the some kids cried, some laid on the floor, some just stood there, and some kept touching each other. it was so funny. i think the people really enjoyed it though. our elf made his return. this year we decided to have cotton leave us things to do for other people. it was fun doing kind things for others. We got to go on a sleigh ride with santa at the outdoor mall. the kids always love doing that. I switched from clomid to femara these drugs make me feel crapsville. we went to lights under louisville. we haven't done it in all the four years we have lived here. it was really fun and the boys loved it. since it's underground you roll down your window and listen to the christmas music while the lights do some pretty awesome things. it was really cool. 

Disclaimer- these are my feelings and are in no way to hurt someone who is struggling and who has been struggling for years or someone who doesn't have children. I know i'm extremely blessed and lucky to have the most beautiful boys. I KNOW THAT! I know people go a life time and never get to have that, but my doctor has made me feel good by saying she takes my infertility struggle just as seriously as she does of someone who doesn't have children. 

Ever since I was a little girl I really didn't have the big dreams like most kids have... a doctor, a vet, a fireman. I have always wanted to be a mom. I don't know why that is what i aspired to be but i just always wanted that. maybe, it's because i had an amazing mom or i just have always felt like i needed to have someone to take care of. So when i got married I knew right away i wanted to start a family. it took us 3 years to get pregnant with our first son sawyer. my doctor didn't really seem to think that was a big deal and I wasn't really educated about infertility because lets face it i was in a bubble and didn't really know that it existed. So we finally go pregnant with sawyer and we were over the moon! We pretty much started trying right away with our next baby because it took so long we just didn't know if it would take that long. We were thrilled because 18 months later we found out we were pregnant. Again, we were so excited. I was almost 11 weeks when we found out we lost that baby. it was a devastating time. Braydon had already moved to kentucky and sawyer and i were supposed to go in a week. it was a really hard time. I just lost this baby and i was supposed to move? no thank you. but i put a smile on my face hid the pain and off sawyer and i went. even though i still remember the sadness and pain i felt when i lost that baby my heart has been healed and we have our sweet benson. so even though life didn't work out how we planned we are so grateful we have both our sweeties! So i have what is called secondary infertility. In a short definition it's just infertility of someone who already has children. i have a mild case of endometriosis. and i get big cysts on my ovaries that cause them to flip. it is pretty painful. it took an er trip to figure out why i was in so much pain.  

 I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me.

 lately I would  describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

Our infertility makes me feel confused.  I've spent years wanting a million kids  and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing.

Our infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for 18 months. my doctor says that its something i should have started to address years ago when it took so long with sawyer.  My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule.  I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for all the side effects of the medication to wear off,  wait for my period not to come, wait for those two lines on a test that seem to never come. 

Our infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if the life i dreamed of and the many children i thought would occupy our home... what if they never come.  What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? 

Our infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I feel guilty because this is what women were made for to have babies and teach them and love them.  So why when i want it so badly is it not happening? 

Our infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me. I'm angry at my expenses; these treatments are extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. i'm angry at all the side effects. I am angry that i have gained so much wait... oh hey take these pills they will make you fat or these pills that are supposed to help you give you terrible hot flashes and migraines that make you want to run in front of a bus. These pills that make you so sick will help you have a baby... but then it doesn't happen. 

Our infertility makes me and hopeless and sad Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy.  My infertility makes me feel unsettled. Our life kind of seems on hold. Braydon has been working so hard and has done amazing things and i'm just feeling like what am i contributing to this life and our family. Making decisions about our immediate and our long-term future seems impossible. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. And maybe even the thing that makes me the most sad is when i hear my kids prayer every night for a baby sister and ask me everyday when she is coming. How do i explain to these precious kids that exact thing i can't even explain to myself? 

Our infertility has brought a new relationship with heavenly father. I know he has a plan for me. I know his plan is different than i have for myself. I know he knows me. I know he hears my prayers. I know this! I just wish my heart could catch up to my mind. I am sad. I am sad everyday. I am happy everyday too. I have the greatest job in the world! I love being a mother. It is so hard. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. The job i aspired for is very different than i imagined. I never knew that it would take everything i had. I truly love it and want to be the best mom. I fall short all the time, but i really do try so hard. I know that if this is it for us my heart will always hurt, but it will always be full of love and knowledge that heavenly father interested me with two of his most precious children. I know it sounds crazy, but you can be so very sad and so very happy at the same time.