Yesterday was Bubbas birthday. It's always a mixed emotions day. I am happy because we are celebrating his life when he was here, but sad at the same time because I would love to watch him blow out his candles and give him his birthday hug and I can't do those things that I think some of us take for granted. I sat there thinking of all the things I wanted to tell him because i don't really like going to the grave site so I choose not to go often. I sat down and told him I got married and I was so sad he didn't get to see me in my dress or dance with me like I did with all my brothers. I told him I was upset that he left us because who wants to sit on the grass and cry and mess their face up. I told him that he would be amazed at how big ben is and how grown up emilee is and that she is graduated and that paul everyday wishes his best friend were still around. I told him that mom still looks up when she hears a car thump into our driveway because for a split second she forgot you were gone. I told him that dad still blames stuff on him because it's easier to get mad at him because then no one talks back and he likes that, but at the same time his first born he would rather have him talk back then not be here. I told him for the first time i was mad at him for leaving because sometimes the pain gets so bad that you wants to break something, but at the same time all i wanted to do was hug him and tell him I miss you more then you will ever know. I believe god gives us magical moments to makes us believe and make us strong for the hard and painful times. When i got married he gave me a magical monent. In the temple the other side is so close. I felt that hug and i felt my littel baby girl (sarah) it was almost like she was tugging on my dress to pick her up. As hard as the pain is I hope for those magical moments and the moments where i get to "talk to myself" but feel like i'm talking to them. So happy birthay bub. We miss you a lot!
