August 23, 2015

this is a picture of our baby that we waited for for 33 months. when we found out we couldn't stop crying and smiling. after months of tears shots, anger, sadness, drugs, appointments, weight gain, despair, loneliness, hopelessness, fear, faith, and trust in God we got a positive result on a pregnancy test... and then 5 more. we couldn't wait to meet this baby in February. and we couldnt wait to tell our kids. who pray for us and our baby in heaven EVERY night. they will be the best big brothers. we were over the moon happy, but i was also scared. scared to tell people because we have experienced loss before and we had tried for so long to finally get that positive. we wanted to wait to tell the boys and our whole family until we were past twelve weeks. what people call the safe zone. 

well the day started out like any other. I was finally past twelve weeks a day away from week 13  i had a relief society thing but braydon couldn't watch the boys because of school stuff so i took them (they had child care) we were leaving and i felt like i peed my pants i was soaking wet. i touched my pants before getting in the car and my had was covered in blood. i wanted to fall to my knees but i had these two precious boys looking at me and seeing all this blood. they were so scared. They kept praying in the back of the car please don't let my mom die, please help our baby. I called braydon and then my mom and dad. braydon met us at the er. it was after 10 pm. I told him to take the boys home. The boys didn't want to leave me. they were so scared. I tried to be brave for them. I tried to hide the tears and fear. 

And there i was alone, covered in blood cold, scared, sad, and just plain devastated. I knew what was happening i just needed someone to tell me so my heart would believe it. I was at the ER for six hours. I didn't get home until 4am. The doctor there could not confirm or deny if i was having a miscarriage. I just wanted to be told so i could just start the process of this terrible loss. so i had to get in touch with my OB in the morning when they opened. so that morning they told me i was most likely having a miscarriage and that i would need to come in for an appointment for an ultrasound and a possible DandC.  I was feeling so many things. somethings i didn't even have a name for. I was so angry. felt such sadness. i have always wanted a big family and a million kids. why was this happening when we tried for so long. why was i losing this baby who i already loved so deeply. I prayed hard to get this baby,  i prayed hard for a healthy and strong baby... what was i doing wrong... what did i do. why was this happening to us. 

 That after noon my angel mother showed up at the door and surprised my boys. they were so happy and excited. I was so happy to see her and so happy to she how happy my boys were but the reason she was there was just devastating  to everyone. 

I went in for my ultrasound and the words "there is no heart beat" about killed me. right then and then i felt my heart rip apart into a million pieces. nothing i could do. it was already happening  and i already knew it was happening. i just wasn't ready for those words.  i was giving a bunch of drugs and was told i needed to come in weekly for ultrasounds and blood test to make sure my levels were going down to zero. great more appointments to let me know that i know longer have a baby in my tummy. just more reminders of pain and sadness. we had to explain to our boys what happened because of the traumatizing events of the night i went to the ER. They obviously didn't understand... why would they i didn't even understand. Sawyer said but we prayered so many times... benson said i will have a baby for you mama. they are so precious. and we really are truly blessed to have these special boys. I KNOW how lucky we are to have them. I am so grateful for my mom and braydon for helping me while i was in terrible pain and terrible sadness. i am grateful my boys were taken care of. I know heavenly father has a plan for us. I don't know what that is yet, but i'm really trying to have faith. i know there is a baby in heaven waiting to come to our family. i know our family isn't complete. we will continue to fight for our family to grow and we will continue to pray for our baby in heaven and our babies here on earth. 

I have healed physically but emotionally i still feel raw and broken. It will take time and we will all be ok. Through God anything is possible and i know he will continue to bless us for living right and making right choices and having faith. We will all be ok. 

we are pretty lonely since leaving louisville because we had a million amazing friends that we saw everyday! and then we come here and we are super lonely. its so hot so my kids who rarely fight have turned into total monsters to each other so I've tried to come up with some fun things to do. it's so hot outside so we don't really like to spend that much time outside, but we took our remote control cars and i got balloons and i took long tooth picks and put them all over and we had a real life mario cart balloon war. they in that moment thought i was so cool. i loved seeing their happy excited faces. sawyer was upstairs watching a show but when i yelled of him there was no answer but i could hear his show... he was out cold on the floor. cute little tan bums playing in mom and dads big tub. i love their creative minds and those white bums. we found an awesome little water hole and we went and hike the water fall and playing in the river. it was a lot of fun. we also went to cow appreciation day at chick fil a and we dressed up and got free food! the boys loved it. the boys made stuff for braydons locker... a mask for protection and glitter cards. he sent them a picture and they thought it was so cool that he kept it. 

The boys have been little terrorist lately. i found them pouring glue and sticking their legos and other toys in the glue on my kitchen floor and they got baby powder and poured it all over the upstairs and benson had it all over his body along with maker... so i made them clean the glue and baby powder and then i made them wash windows. turns out they really like washing windows.

Georgia summer

Sawyer passed his swim test at the ymca and yearned his wrist band to go down the slide and swim in the big kid pool. i'm so proud of him. he didn't pass the first time but he practiced and tried again and nailed it. the boys love to go frog hunting at night but i have a feeling we will be stopping until fall because it's getting so hot and it's still so hot at night even when it's dark. we did end up finding a turtle last time.  we have been enjoying swimming together, water balloon fights, fourth of july fireworks. my cute mom sent the boys mini book of mormons and they love them. they take them to primary every week. and they really are the cutest little scriptures and she also sent them CTR rings. how cute are their little hands. we got our season pass bands for disney world. i gave up my favorite color... blue for my sweet benson. so i got pink. we are excited to use them in November. we went to the atlanta zoo with some friends. it was a VERY long drive and it was very hot, but it was free and the kids loved it. We registered sawyer for school which was terrible and took forever but he is so excited. counting down the days. we are going to miss him so much but benson i know is going to have such a hard time without him. poor benson fell on the tramp and got a burn on his face... he also was caught sleeping on the top of the stairs. i'm glad i heard him or else he would have fallen down the stairs.