November 25, 2010

We are, quite simply GRATEFUL

Thanksgiving is a great time to tell people what we are grateful for and why we are grateful for them. It sometimes makes me sad that it takes this holiday to express our gratitude's . Thanksgiving for me is a very painful holiday. I usually have to dig deep to even express my thanks. I know that is so silly because I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR! It's been 8 years since my brother died. It just happens to fall exactly on thanksgiving this year. I have so many emotions... anger, sadness, heartbreak, suffering, and many more. I can't go into details about my feelings because it's still just to painful to discuss. I am so grateful to my mother for how brave she was, is and continues to be. I am not sure how she found her strength, but I think it was for her family. Now that i have Sawyer it breaks me on the inside to think of the loss she feels in her heart and the emptiness that comes from losing not one, but two children. Mom you are so brave and I know you still struggle, but I know (because I've been told many times) how many people you've helped because of your strength and bravery. Trials and struggles change people. I know I've been changed. I am at times not whole. I still have nightmares of more family loss... more scary family loss. I still think about the very moment of our losses. I'm sure this is not making any sense or that it isn't very clear my thoughts are honestly so mixed and jumbled. I just plain and simple miss my siblings. I think what life would be like with a teenage sister still in high school... would she have a boyfriend what kind of things would she like to do, would we be a like or totally different. Would Bubba be married? Would he have children? would he like the same things would he still be obsessed with working out and looking "GOOD"  Would he still be as sarcastic and outgoing would he still be blunt and obnoxious? I thought today as we were driving to have thanksgiving dinner we would have to take four cars instead of two or three. I would pay all the gas in the world to have taken four cars today. Life sometimes is REALLY HARD. Enough of the pain onto the great things in my life that make life REALLY EASY!

I love my Family. I am so grateful for eternal families.
I love my husband. he works so hard and is such a great dad
I love my son. He is my world and he a beautiful and happy boy and makes Braydon and I so happy
I love my job and even though it's hard to leave Sawyer I am grateful that I can be somewhere I love
I love my friends and am so thankful that they accept me for me and allow me to truly be myself
I love that we are all healthy
I love that we live in a free country
I love that I have to true gospel and i can teach it to my children
*I am so thankful for all I have and even though we sometimes feel pain, loss, struggle and anything hard the Savior has been there and he lifts us and helps us walk through, over and out of the darkness. I am truly and quite simply GRATEFUL

November 20, 2010

Random happenings and Missing Uncle Ben... A LOT

This is Dangles the Monkey. Sawyer loves him he talks to him, hugs him and kisses him all the time.

Sawyer doesn't sleep as you've heard from me a lot, but one night I was feeding him and don't mind the food all over his face he rubs food in his hair and all over his face... we have bathes a lot at our house. anyway, as I was getting him a spoonful i looked up and he was asleep. So funny

This is Kate... Sawyer's little friend. He is bigger then her and she is 7 months older then him.

This was a couple days before Ben left

This was the day Ben spoke in church. He did an incredible job

Early morning snap shot.

Grandma gave him a sucker and He really enjoyed it!

Trying to give grandpa kisses. I love that they love each other so much

Sawyer is obsessed with the piano. He would sit and play it all day if I would let him.

This was the night Ben was set a part.

This was our last picture all of us with Ben for two years. I miss him so much already. I was a wreck and a bawl baby... what else is new?

Our whole family minus jon. He couldn't come, but no big deal the MTC drop off is lame and everyone just cried.

This breaks my heart. Sawyer is going to be so different and so big when ben gets home!
This is the last picture I snapped of Ben. We were not able to all drive him down to drop him off. So my parents took him down and he wanted to drive for the last time for two years. You are going to be life changing amazing buddy. We miss you so much already and we are so thankful for your faithfulness. You will be incredible. I am proud of the person you are and the service you are going to give for the next two years. Loving and Missing you baby brother.