December 06, 2014

Disclaimer- these are my feelings and are in no way to hurt someone who is struggling and who has been struggling for years or someone who doesn't have children. I know i'm extremely blessed and lucky to have the most beautiful boys. I KNOW THAT! I know people go a life time and never get to have that, but my doctor has made me feel good by saying she takes my infertility struggle just as seriously as she does of someone who doesn't have children. 
Ever since I was a little girl I really didn't have the big dreams like most kids have... a doctor, a vet, a fireman. I have always wanted to be a mom. I don't know why that is what i aspired to be but i just always wanted that. maybe, it's because i had an amazing mom or i just have always felt like i needed to have someone to take care of. So when i got married I knew right away i wanted to start a family. it took us 3 years to get pregnant with our first son sawyer. my doctor didn't really seem to think that was a big deal and I wasn't really educated about infertility because lets face it i was in a bubble and didn't really know that it existed. So we finally go pregnant with sawyer and we were over the moon! We pretty much started trying right away with our next baby because it took so long we just didn't know if it would take that long. We were thrilled because 18 months later we found out we were pregnant. Again, we were so excited. I was almost 11 weeks when we found out we lost that baby. it was a devastating time. Braydon had already moved to kentucky and sawyer and i were supposed to go in a week. it was a really hard time. I just lost this baby and i was supposed to move? no thank you. but i put a smile on my face hid the pain and off sawyer and i went. even though i still remember the sadness and pain i felt when i lost that baby my heart has been healed and we have our sweet benson. so even though life didn't work out how we planned we are so grateful we have both our sweeties! So i have what is called secondary infertility. In a short definition it's just infertility of someone who already has children. i have a mild case of endometriosis. and i get big cysts on my ovaries that cause them to flip. it is pretty painful. it took an er trip to figure out why i was in so much pain.  
 I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me.
 lately I would  describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.
Our infertility makes me feel confused.  I've spent years wanting a million kids  and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing.
Our infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for 18 months. my doctor says that its something i should have started to address years ago when it took so long with sawyer.  My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule.  I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for all the side effects of the medication to wear off,  wait for my period not to come, wait for those two lines on a test that seem to never come. 
Our infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if the life i dreamed of and the many children i thought would occupy our home... what if they never come.  What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? 
Our infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I feel guilty because this is what women were made for to have babies and teach them and love them.  So why when i want it so badly is it not happening? 
Our infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me. I'm angry at my expenses; these treatments are extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. i'm angry at all the side effects. I am angry that i have gained so much wait... oh hey take these pills they will make you fat or these pills that are supposed to help you give you terrible hot flashes and migraines that make you want to run in front of a bus. These pills that make you so sick will help you have a baby... but then it doesn't happen. 
Our infertility makes me and hopeless and sad Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy.  My infertility makes me feel unsettled. Our life kind of seems on hold. Braydon has been working so hard and has done amazing things and i'm just feeling like what am i contributing to this life and our family. Making decisions about our immediate and our long-term future seems impossible. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. And maybe even the thing that makes me the most sad is when i hear my kids prayer every night for a baby sister and ask me everyday when she is coming. How do i explain to these precious kids that exact thing i can't even explain to myself? 
Our infertility has brought a new relationship with heavenly father. I know he has a plan for me. I know his plan is different than i have for myself. I know he knows me. I know he hears my prayers. I know this! I just wish my heart could catch up to my mind. I am sad. I am sad everyday. I am happy everyday too. I have the greatest job in the world! I love being a mother. It is so hard. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. The job i aspired for is very different than i imagined. I never knew that it would take everything i had. I truly love it and want to be the best mom. I fall short all the time, but i really do try so hard. I know that if this is it for us my heart will always hurt, but it will always be full of love and knowledge that heavenly father interested me with two of his most precious children. I know it sounds crazy, but you can be so very sad and so very happy at the same time. 

November 28, 2014

we got to visit santa today at bass pro shop. it was very different then last year. Benson was so excited to meet santa. He waved his arms at him the whole time in line. There wasn't anyone behind us so he got up from his chair and came over and talked to the boys for a while and they got to sit on his lap and just chat. and you know sawyer told him his life story and benson tried to get his words out but when he is so excited he stammers. benson wants his own christmas tree this year and sawyer wants a show gun buckle. we loved our visit with santa and we loved that it was inside and FREE. 

we had such a wonderful thanksgiving. Filled with dear friends, lots of laughter from kids and amazing food. not all our friends came but it was still the best thanksgiving we have had here. we are so lucky to have such amazing people in our dental family. The night was ended with prayers of gratitude. our boys love to pray. They amaze us everyday. They give the most sincere sweet and honest prayers. They pray every night for a baby sister. Brakes my heart that it isn't happening for our family. i wish it was. Heavenly father has a plan for us, but this isn't about that. This about how blessed we are and how grateful we are for all the many things we have. These two are at the top of their dads and i's list!!
we had mason and parker over because emily had her baby. So they played with us for a while. mason is gets out of his shell when his mom isn't around and we love it. We have been trying to have scripture study every night. even though it's only from the little kid scriptures we still are doing it and the kids are really enjoying it. sawyer made this darling how to cook a turkey and how his thanksgiving dinner would look. the turnkey sounds like it would be amazing and he only would have sunshine, bampa, him and benson. We have started our giving tree. The boys are loving it. it's been so fun to have them come up with things to do and we have loved doing them. we also had our friends the cefelo's over on sunday and money. Their mom had surgery and they stayed with us for a long time. Everyone was troopers. it was hard on everyone since it was freezing. we tried once to go outside and it was more work then it was helpful. we stayed outside for 10 minutes. sawyer has found a new way to watch his movies!! haha

Braydon's brother tyler interviewed at louisville residency program and he stayed with us. He was only here for not even 2 days. The boys loved getting to know him though. They made him a darling welcome sign and even got him to play in the snow. I think it's been a year since braydon has been over a year since braydon has seen him so it was nice for them to spend some time together. The boys loved the snow and you know it can't be a good sign if louisville is getting snow in mid november. 

we loving walking to the grocery store. The boys especially like when i push their stroller (to carry our groceries) and they ride their scooters. We get lots of laughs and funny looks when they ride through the store on their scooters. we always have to stop for a quick swing after. Benson absolutely loves music class. He has been so fun to watch. one day during class kate was so sad so he was rubbing her leg and then they held hands on the parachute ride. Braydon took the boys swimming at the ymca since it has been so cold to even go outside. They loved it. Sawyer was so bummed that now he can swim without floaties. The slide wasn't working. 

Sawyer and i went to big hero six! it was so fun to be with him and listen to him laugh and get excited and get sad at the sad parts. He is so animated and i love it. we had the best time. i just love this picture of some of the ladies in our ward here. We have such a great group of women. we had parker over while mason slept so emily could sleep too. She is almost about to have a baby.