May 25, 2009

Memorial Day

So it's a little funny to me that there is a day to remember people who are gone. As though we have forgotten them the other 364 days left in the year. I know these pictures are really blurry, partly because they are old and partly because i scanned them really fast. Sarah, my sweet baby died i really long time ago, but i still remember how her laugh sounds and how when i would secretly wake her up from naps or in morning to ask her where everyone was and she would tilt her head and say donnnnnn know! I never knew why i felt like i always had to wake her up to see her and play with her, but i didn't and I don't think in her short life she ever got a full nap. And then she died and I know why I did that. So I could spend a little more time with her. I wonder everyday what she looks like as a teenager and what kind of music she would like and if my parents would let her get away with anything. I wonder how many scars she would have from a years playing and running. I wonder how different our family would be. We all changed so much from the outside i'm sure it's unnoticed but we are so different. I wonder how we could be the people we are today if she were still around. I know the answer, but is it to selfish to no admit it? I would rather be a different person and have her and bubba around. She was so full of life and really crazy. It's weird because hardly any of my friends and even my husband know her. They never got to be around this beautiful baby girl. How do you explain how silly she was and how fun she was? I miss that little girl everyday not just today. WE are so lucky that we can be with our families forever.

Bubba is a whole other story. Most everyone knew him and either feared him or loved him.... or loved to fear him. I am not sure. He was very handsome and like sarah he was full of life. He was crazy and funny and a "know it all" So he thought. The day before he left to go down to st. george him and I spent hours together which wasn't common where he would sit and talk to me about life and give advice. I hold that day very close to my heart we hugged and said I love you and that is the last time i heard him speak or saw him alive without the help of ventilators. I wonder about him too. Would he be married and have children? Where would he be living? Would he have hair still.... just kidding. I just wonder and i know it seems silly to dream or things that i know will never happen until we get to the other side, but I wonder why a mother had to bury her two children and why ben and sarah were best buddies, but he doesn't remember her and why paul had to say goodbye to his best friend and why my dad seems lonely in his eyes and why emilee never got to really be an older sister. The question why is a really easy one to ask, but it really is silly. We won't know why but the Lord gives us challenges and hard ache and blessings everyday. One day we will know WHY. So not just today but everyday remember the loved ones who went before us they deserve to be remembered. I love you and miss you everyday!!

This is a picture of sarah doing her "pretty girl" pose and then me and her swinging in a hammock while camping and then bubba and i sitting on the couch together and then bubba packing sarah on his back

May 10, 2009


What could i possible say that would give justice to that way i feel about my mother, but i'm going to try.
1. She is so funny
2. She is a hard worker with her job and with her church calling and everything.
3. She loves my dad and he loves her
4. She allows me to call her 200 times a day and never gets mad
5. She loves the gospel
6. She loves my husband and is so good to him. She makes the best mother and mother in law!!!
7. She tells all of us that we are her favorite
8. She has had some hard trial losing two children, but if you just met her you wouldn't know because she is so brave and so full of life. She is a true example of endurance and overcoming any hard ache.
9. She is beautiful
10. She puts up with my craziness.

I could go on and on about all of her good qualities. She is my friend and my mother. I love her and i'm grateful that she is mine forever. I am so lucky our whole family is so lucky.

Next I want to mention my friends who are mothers you know who you are. I am so thankful for your example of what it is to be a great mother. You love your babies and they love you. You make it look so easy (i know it's hard) I am so proud of the women and mothers you've become. It is truly what you were meant to do. I love you!

Braydon got me an elliptical for mothers day. It's super nice and has so many great features. He is so good to me. I know i'm not a mom, but i can't wait to be one. That is really the only thing i've wanted to do. It's something my heart craves. I can't wait until i get to be one. For all you mothers and soon to be mothers. I hope you had a great day and you are all beautiful women and we are lucky to know you and follow your example.

May 03, 2009

Life is hard sometimes.

So these past couple weeks have been rather hard for me. And I just need to vent on my blog and i understand people have had way worse things happen to them and I know that. So I ordered checks from my bank and they never arrived. So i went in and had them canceled. Well, my bank had canceled the wrong number of checks. They canceled the numbers i was currently using. So I had all these stopped payment checks come back for ALL my bills. I went to the corporate office in Ogden and they said we know we made the mistake, but we won't be paying for your returned check fees. Ok that sounds fair right... no!! So one of the places that had a check come back was costco. Well, I get my card through my work and they put a block on my card so i couldn't use it, but not only did they put a block on my card but every single person i work with had a block put on their card. Oh it was so frustrating. So then 3 days later my tire blows up on the freeway. I mean it blew up all over the place. It was super scary. Since it was after hours it was almost 300 dollars to fix. Then this last monday i get a call at work from my bank asking if I had spent money or bought anything online in Israel. Umm.... no! So someone has been using my credit card at numerous places in Israel. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!! So i'm pretty stressed at this point. because a lot of my bills just take money directly from my card and now i have to get a new one and a new account. So it's the end of my work day and I got to leave and to my surprise my car won't start not even with a jump. So I have a girl i work with.. bless her. Drive me down to auto zone to get a new battery. And i haven't the first clue how to put a new battery in, but that was my only option at this point. So I buy the stupid thing 200 dollars and i go back to work. We are trying to figure it all out and a guy in the building behind us asks us if he could help PHEW of course you can help. So he takes the old battery out and puts the new one in it's place. oh we are home free.... NO we aren't he dropped the bolts in the car and i started bawling! What am i going to do i have no bolts I can't hook this battery up. the poor guy was looking at me like i was a crazy person, but come on you just dropped all my screws inside the car. So we took rope and tied it down so i could get back to auto zone and get new bolt to fit. So i buy the bolts and return the old battery and they said when did you buy this. I said three years ago. Oh they we will give you your money back the man said. so I go back to the sales counter and they said "well, you bought this battery 3 years and 24 days ago so we can't give you any money back. Of course you can't with a week like i've had that would make total sense. I'm pretty sure something good is in store for me soon!!