this is a picture of our baby that we waited for for 33 months. when we found out we couldn't stop crying and smiling. after months of tears shots, anger, sadness, drugs, appointments, weight gain, despair, loneliness, hopelessness, fear, faith, and trust in God we got a positive result on a pregnancy test... and then 5 more. we couldn't wait to meet this baby in February. and we couldnt wait to tell our kids. who pray for us and our baby in heaven EVERY night. they will be the best big brothers. we were over the moon happy, but i was also scared. scared to tell people because we have experienced loss before and we had tried for so long to finally get that positive. we wanted to wait to tell the boys and our whole family until we were past twelve weeks. what people call the safe zone. 

well the day started out like any other. I was finally past twelve weeks a day away from week 13  i had a relief society thing but braydon couldn't watch the boys because of school stuff so i took them (they had child care) we were leaving and i felt like i peed my pants i was soaking wet. i touched my pants before getting in the car and my had was covered in blood. i wanted to fall to my knees but i had these two precious boys looking at me and seeing all this blood. they were so scared. They kept praying in the back of the car please don't let my mom die, please help our baby. I called braydon and then my mom and dad. braydon met us at the er. it was after 10 pm. I told him to take the boys home. The boys didn't want to leave me. they were so scared. I tried to be brave for them. I tried to hide the tears and fear. 

And there i was alone, covered in blood cold, scared, sad, and just plain devastated. I knew what was happening i just needed someone to tell me so my heart would believe it. I was at the ER for six hours. I didn't get home until 4am. The doctor there could not confirm or deny if i was having a miscarriage. I just wanted to be told so i could just start the process of this terrible loss. so i had to get in touch with my OB in the morning when they opened. so that morning they told me i was most likely having a miscarriage and that i would need to come in for an appointment for an ultrasound and a possible DandC.  I was feeling so many things. somethings i didn't even have a name for. I was so angry. felt such sadness. i have always wanted a big family and a million kids. why was this happening when we tried for so long. why was i losing this baby who i already loved so deeply. I prayed hard to get this baby,  i prayed hard for a healthy and strong baby... what was i doing wrong... what did i do. why was this happening to us. 

 That after noon my angel mother showed up at the door and surprised my boys. they were so happy and excited. I was so happy to see her and so happy to she how happy my boys were but the reason she was there was just devastating  to everyone. 

I went in for my ultrasound and the words "there is no heart beat" about killed me. right then and then i felt my heart rip apart into a million pieces. nothing i could do. it was already happening  and i already knew it was happening. i just wasn't ready for those words.  i was giving a bunch of drugs and was told i needed to come in weekly for ultrasounds and blood test to make sure my levels were going down to zero. great more appointments to let me know that i know longer have a baby in my tummy. just more reminders of pain and sadness. we had to explain to our boys what happened because of the traumatizing events of the night i went to the ER. They obviously didn't understand... why would they i didn't even understand. Sawyer said but we prayered so many times... benson said i will have a baby for you mama. they are so precious. and we really are truly blessed to have these special boys. I KNOW how lucky we are to have them. I am so grateful for my mom and braydon for helping me while i was in terrible pain and terrible sadness. i am grateful my boys were taken care of. I know heavenly father has a plan for us. I don't know what that is yet, but i'm really trying to have faith. i know there is a baby in heaven waiting to come to our family. i know our family isn't complete. we will continue to fight for our family to grow and we will continue to pray for our baby in heaven and our babies here on earth. 

I have healed physically but emotionally i still feel raw and broken. It will take time and we will all be ok. Through God anything is possible and i know he will continue to bless us for living right and making right choices and having faith. We will all be ok.