April 21, 2017

Baby Walker

So let me start by telling about the night before and morning walker was born. I told Braydon and my mom I had this really uneasy feeling that something was going to go wrong. I honestly just chalked it up to be nervous about the surgery because I don't love being in terrible pain the first week after my c-sections. So we were supposed to go in around 12 but they called us early in the morning saying that because of the huge storm they wanted us to come in earlier. So I showered and got ready. I took the boys to school to make things as normal as possible and then they knew sunshine would be waiting for them when they got home. So off we went to the hospital. I also hate taht they make me go to the OR without braydon so they can give me my spinal. For some reason I was sooo nauseous and i couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Part of me kept having that weird feeling and part of me was so excited to meet this boy who we have been praying for, for years and he was finally coming. So they finally let braydon in. I couldn't stop shaking. He rubbed my shoulders and usually he watches the surgery but this time he stayed by me trying to calm me so i didn't throw up. Finally they said he was coming so he stood up. He said i see our boy... i couldn't control the tears and i was fighting the horrible nausea. They were talking a long time to get him looked at so i couldn't see him. Braydon brought him over to me and then they said they needed to go. So braydon went with the other doctors and our boy. They finished sewing me up and started wheeling me back to our room. Then braydon came and told me that he was having trouble breathing and that he was in the nicu. I was so messed up they had to put him on oxygen and i knew i had to get my crying under control since my mom was bringing my boys to meet their brother. I am terrible at getting a picture in my mind and when things don't go that way it throws me big time. I didn't get to see my boys seeing their brother for the first time. I didn't get to hold and love on my sweet boy right away. he was fighting to breath and I couldn't help him. I couldn't even get out of bed on my own.  The first time i held him i was so overcome with emotions. so much love for this boy. This boy who we fought for and now we would have to fight to keep him. He would have to fight to stay. The nicu doctors were terrible. Because of the holiday weekend they were hard to get a hold of they nurses paged and paged them. And their bed side manner was awful. Finally Braydon came in to tell my that our boy was getting sicker and that they were transferring him to a better facility. I was hyperventilating. uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I couldn't breath. I thought my baby was going to die. I was a mess. So grateful for my sweet friend britney who had my kids so my mom and braydon could be at the hospital and go with our boy when he was transferred because they wouldn't let me leave the hospital. They brought him by my room on their way to transfer him. Tubes and lines everywhere. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't help him. Braydon went with him. They were able to get a semi permanent line in his tummy and he was on a ventilator. He could no longer breath on his own. They found he had a hole in his lung. and it only got bigger while not getting the proper care at the other nicu. I am trying to this day to not want to rip those doctors apart of not listen to us and the nurses.  Braydon was amazing the whole time. He spent all his time making sure our boy was not alone. They finally said I could go home and before i left we decided on a name. Which was really hard since I didn't get to really have any time with him before he was transferred. Walker Eric. I strong name from an even stronger man, father and bamp. I wanted to go straight to see our boy. Braydon set time limits for me because he knew I would spend all day there and he wanted me to heal. So between him my mom and I walker was never alone. The boys absolutley hated that they couldn't go see him. They wanted him to come home. It was really hard on them. And they were such troopers. Walker became VERY jaundice so he had to be under lights and we were only allowed to hold him 30 min a day. AHH my arms needed him longer than 30 min. My mom had to get back home and it was killing her to leave us especially since he was still going to be in the nicu. So many people volunteered to come. My sweet aunt even offered to cancel her trip to alaska to come. so many amazing people willing to come to our aid. So many people praying fasting and adding their faith for our sweet boy. I made sure my mama held walker before she left. It was important for me that she did. Such an emotional moment for both of us. Having her leave was very difficult. Thankfully we have an amazing ward family who helped us so much. I am thankful to God for his love for us. I am thankful for our strong boy who fought so hard. I am thankful for amazing doctors and incredible nurses at the new nicu who loved our boy and helped save him. I am thankful for modern medicine and for Braydons divine priesthood that was used multiple times to bless our boy.  We finally got the amazing news that our littlest sweetheart was being released. The boys were already at school but we were so excited to surprise them when they got home. Hearing those words that he was coming home was so amazing and so emotional!!! We love our walker boy. We are so glad he is a part of our family and we really don't know how we lived without him. He has this amazing old soul and when we look in his eyes you don't see a baby but a wise child who is so close to God and all our heavenly angels. 

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