April 21, 2017

The blog post I wrote for NO FILTER FAMILY

I wanted this post I wrote for no filter family to be on my blog also. 

From the time I was a little girl I wanted to grow up and be a mom. It has always been my ultimate dream. Some people have laughed at me for not having “a better dream” I have always just shrugged it off. It took us about three years to get pregnant with our first born son, Sawyer. And we fell in love with him from the moment we saw that positive line. The day he was born was a whirlwind and 35 hours and a c-section later he arrived and was more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.
We decided we wanted to have kids close together so we started trying when sawyer was almost 8 months old. I know it sounds crazy right? Well, we got pregnant and we couldn’t have been happier, but life took an unexpected and tragic turn. We lost that baby at 13 weeks. I was heart broken. The pain was so raw and torturous I will never be the same. Lucky for us we got pregnant 3 months later with our sweet Benson. Our hearts only grew when he arrived. He was perfect. Life seemed like it was right again. So we continued on with our plan to grow our family. We were struggling again to get pregnant and I just wanted answers so I went to the doctor. We ran lots of blood test to find everything was normal. Which was good and bad. Great that I was “normal” but not great that I didn’t know why I was struggling. After the initial blood testing, I experienced the worst pain of my life. I went to the ER and then found that my ovaries had flipped over on themselves. This wouldn’t be the last time either. I had some mild endometriosis, but not enough for surgery. So I was put on the highest dose of Clomid and let me tell you that was tough. The side effects were brutal. Nights sweats, headaches, mood swings, vision problems, and weight gain. I was on Clomid for almost three years when we decided to change drugs and do more invasive testing. Sometimes it was so humiliating. Why was my body failing me? Why wasn’t it doing what I was created for?
Between drugs, shots and always going to the doctor I was exhausted. Everyone asking when we were having more kids was enough to send me into a panic. I was brave for a long time and then I just couldn’t do it anymore. We were getting ready to move and decided to do one more round of IUI and when we got to Georgia it was like Kentucky gave us a going away present and we were pregnant. I was over the moon happy. What we had been praying and hoping for, for so long was finally happening. One night I was driving home with my boys from a church meeting and I felt terrible pain and realized blood was gushing down my legs. It was so bad that my boys were in the back terrified. My sweet Sawyer was in the back praying out loud “please don’t let my mom die” We met Braydon at the ER and because it was 9 at night he had to take our boys home. We were brand new to the area. And we knew no one. So there I was watching my husband take our boys who were screaming for me, home. I was there alone. Bleeding, cold, afraid and alone. I was 13 weeks again and I knew in my heart of hearts it was happening. I was losing my baby. A baby we fought so hard for. After 7 hours and plenty of tests later I was discharged. I drove home at 4 am. Pulled up to a dark house which seemed fitting because I was in my darkest moment. My amazing mom was on a plane the next day to come take care of us. I cried for days, weeks and months.
We were put back on hormones and shots to get my body regulated to try again. My new doctor said he would do three rounds and if that didn’t work we would move to IVF. With the faith of my children, husband, family, and friends. We found out we were pregnant again. I was terrified. I felt like I had PTSD. I was afraid if I did anything that something would happen to this baby. I just felt like every day was triumphant if we made it through without any problems. I saw my Doctor every two weeks for blood tests and ultrasounds.9 months later our beautiful Walker was born.

He got transferred to the Nicu right away. He was having trouble breathing. I saw him out of the corner of my eye getting taken away with Braydon right behind them. I was so panicked that they had to pretty much sedate me in the operating room. They finally wheeled me back to my room where I was told my son was on oxygen and that I wouldn’t be able to see him. I felt like I was just hit with a bullet. My other two were on their way to meet their brother who wasn’t going to be with me like we had talked about.   They were transferring Walker to a different NICU room as my boys got there so they were able to see him. I was devastated I didn’t get to witness their reunion. Two days later I was able to go and see my son and hold him for the first time. It was really emotional. Unfortunately, he wasn’t getting better but worse. The nasal cannula wasn’t helping so they needed to intubate (place a tube down his throat to breath for him)

The neonatologist came in and said he was going to have to be transferred to a more capable and trained NICU downtown. I started hyperventilating. I asked to be released from the hospital because I wasn’t about to let him go without me. I had just had major surgery and still had a catheter and iv so they said they couldn’t release me. Braydon said he would travel with our boy. They brought him to me before they transferred him. He had wires, ivs, and a tube down his throat helping him stay alive. It was devastating for me to see him like that. And I couldn’t help him. Those machines were keeping my son alive.We were told that he had pneumothorax. And that the hole in his lung had become bigger and gotten worse.  I thought I felt pain before. I thought I knew it, but I was only acquainted with pain. That day it became my friend. It became a part of me. A friend I certainly did not want. I felt alone even though I wasn’t. Why, when we fought so hard to get him here,  were we having to fight so hard to keep him here? 

Braydon was amazing. Being a resident you are a slave to the man. He spent every free waking minute with our son in the NICU. Making sure he wasn’t ever alone. My mom was amazing. Taking care of me, and the older boys.Driving me multiple times to the NICU. My friends and ward were amazing. stepping up to help us even in the middle of the night. My boys were amazing. Sawyer and Benson had such faith and prayed multiple times a day for their brother. It was so hard on them. They had waited so long for their baby and now they had to wait longer.  And my Walker, he is a fighter, he is strong, he is amazing. He fought and won. He was finally able to come home. And it was a beautiful day. I am thankful to God for allowing me to have my dream. It is a dream that our family has fought hard for and fought hard to keep. Sometimes we go through things and we don’t know why or if there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful that I have found the light and learned the value of never giving up. Fight for your dreams! Know that you are never alone.  I am grateful for the miracles that happen every day.
Stay Bright,

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