Poor benson got the croup and slept on our floor a lot because he was having trouble breathing and he would throw up from coughing so hard. but once he got better we had the opportunity to go visit brother fannings work (member of our bishopric) he is a police investigator. He showed benson around the whole place. He let him do fingerprints look at an actual crime scene car that had bullet holes in it. he let him cuff him and he took him into the crime scene truck and the interrogation room. Benson loved every minute of it. He took candy to every person that worked there and shook everyones hand and said thank you for you service. Brother fanning said that it meant so much to the police staff in light of all the police shootings. We are so grateful he took the time to have our police obsessed child come for a tour. 

We have been going on bike rides around the neighborhood now that it has cooled off a bit. The boys tried the war head challenge. it was hilarious to watch.

Benson and i took a little rest together. he held my hand until he fell asleep. i coulnd't bring myself to let go. He is so sweet. we got to go to sawyers school for lunch. It was a fun surprise for him. Benson ran to him and they hugged. Sawyer was so sad when we had to go home and realized he wasn't going with us. 

we gave the boys hair cuts. Sawyer said he wanted his like benson's so that is what i did. when he realized he was in tears. he kept saying we need to go to a place and have them put it back on. he was so worried everyone at school would make fun of him. no on did such thing. and he looks so handsome. i do miss the curls... every time i cut them.  The boys started soccer. Benson is hilarious and mostly blows me kisses and waves. Sawyer has gotten so good and is so good at defense. i'm so proud of him for working so hard.  The boys chose to have spiderman and batman back packs this year!

First day of Preschool for Bensy

 This little sweetheart started preschool. He was so so excited until he got there. He was crying so hard. he kept saying i'm so sorry i will be so good please don't do this please please please don't do this. I promise mama i will be so good. It broke my heart I think i cried the whole time he was gone. When i came to pick him up they said he stopped about 10 minutes later and loved it. He told me he loved it and kept kissing my hand and arm and said i love you mama i'm so glad you came back.

Sawyer's first day of school

Sawyer started kindergarten this year and it just happened to be my birthday which was the worst present ever! He was so excited. I was excited of him and so sad for us. Benson and Sawyer are best friends and I knew it would be so hard on Benson having him gone.  and as he was walking away he turned flashed us the I love you sign all while Benson was crying his eyes out for "SOYO" I held it together until he walked in the doors. We couldn't wait to pick him up. He said he had the best day. I knew he would love it. We then waited and had an ice cream cake when daddy got home. the boys helped blow out my candles.

sunshine's surprise!!

my kids favorite person came for a surprise visit. 

This women came all the way from utah to take care of us after our loss. We decided it would be so fun to surprise the boys. They had no idea and they couldn't contain their excitement when they opened the door. she truly is an angel and we so appreciate her and all she does for us not just then but always!

this is a picture of our baby that we waited for for 33 months. when we found out we couldn't stop crying and smiling. after months of tears shots, anger, sadness, drugs, appointments, weight gain, despair, loneliness, hopelessness, fear, faith, and trust in God we got a positive result on a pregnancy test... and then 5 more. we couldn't wait to meet this baby in February. and we couldnt wait to tell our kids. who pray for us and our baby in heaven EVERY night. they will be the best big brothers. we were over the moon happy, but i was also scared. scared to tell people because we have experienced loss before and we had tried for so long to finally get that positive. we wanted to wait to tell the boys and our whole family until we were past twelve weeks. what people call the safe zone. 

well the day started out like any other. I was finally past twelve weeks a day away from week 13  i had a relief society thing but braydon couldn't watch the boys because of school stuff so i took them (they had child care) we were leaving and i felt like i peed my pants i was soaking wet. i touched my pants before getting in the car and my had was covered in blood. i wanted to fall to my knees but i had these two precious boys looking at me and seeing all this blood. they were so scared. They kept praying in the back of the car please don't let my mom die, please help our baby. I called braydon and then my mom and dad. braydon met us at the er. it was after 10 pm. I told him to take the boys home. The boys didn't want to leave me. they were so scared. I tried to be brave for them. I tried to hide the tears and fear. 

And there i was alone, covered in blood cold, scared, sad, and just plain devastated. I knew what was happening i just needed someone to tell me so my heart would believe it. I was at the ER for six hours. I didn't get home until 4am. The doctor there could not confirm or deny if i was having a miscarriage. I just wanted to be told so i could just start the process of this terrible loss. so i had to get in touch with my OB in the morning when they opened. so that morning they told me i was most likely having a miscarriage and that i would need to come in for an appointment for an ultrasound and a possible DandC.  I was feeling so many things. somethings i didn't even have a name for. I was so angry. felt such sadness. i have always wanted a big family and a million kids. why was this happening when we tried for so long. why was i losing this baby who i already loved so deeply. I prayed hard to get this baby,  i prayed hard for a healthy and strong baby... what was i doing wrong... what did i do. why was this happening to us. 

 That after noon my angel mother showed up at the door and surprised my boys. they were so happy and excited. I was so happy to see her and so happy to she how happy my boys were but the reason she was there was just devastating  to everyone. 

I went in for my ultrasound and the words "there is no heart beat" about killed me. right then and then i felt my heart rip apart into a million pieces. nothing i could do. it was already happening  and i already knew it was happening. i just wasn't ready for those words.  i was giving a bunch of drugs and was told i needed to come in weekly for ultrasounds and blood test to make sure my levels were going down to zero. great more appointments to let me know that i know longer have a baby in my tummy. just more reminders of pain and sadness. we had to explain to our boys what happened because of the traumatizing events of the night i went to the ER. They obviously didn't understand... why would they i didn't even understand. Sawyer said but we prayered so many times... benson said i will have a baby for you mama. they are so precious. and we really are truly blessed to have these special boys. I KNOW how lucky we are to have them. I am so grateful for my mom and braydon for helping me while i was in terrible pain and terrible sadness. i am grateful my boys were taken care of. I know heavenly father has a plan for us. I don't know what that is yet, but i'm really trying to have faith. i know there is a baby in heaven waiting to come to our family. i know our family isn't complete. we will continue to fight for our family to grow and we will continue to pray for our baby in heaven and our babies here on earth. 

I have healed physically but emotionally i still feel raw and broken. It will take time and we will all be ok. Through God anything is possible and i know he will continue to bless us for living right and making right choices and having faith. We will all be ok.